The Love I Know

My son River knows beyond a shadow of doubt that he can depend on me. He knows I love him. He trusts me. That trust and his knowing of my love for him never waivers. When I tell him something, he has no doubt. He follows me. Do I feel this way about my heavenly Father? Do I trust Him in this way? Do I depend on Him for everything? The Bible tells me of God’s love for me, but do I believe it?

I believe God moves us from “general studies” to "intensive courses" that allow us to delve deeper into His character and develop our relationship with Him, and in turn, this new growth transforms the way we live this earthly life. I believe He takes us through each Fruit of the Spirit and gives us the opportunity to become specialists in each on how to love.

And as we move deeper into our relationship with Him and these “intensives” begin anew (sometimes without warning), sometimes it can feel like we are back to zero and know nothing, not even what we learned in our general studies. This zeroed-out feeling is a signal that our soil (our consciousness) is ready for new seeds of truth to be planted so that we can produce an expanded version / vision / understanding of the Fruit.

One day recently, I woke up feeling the divide between what I say and what I believe about God’s love for me. I was zeroed out, and it was time for me to take that intensive course on love.

I felt the spaces of disbelief in my heart. I didn't want to believe they were there. But as I prayed for my spiritual sight to open more so I could access a higher dimension of walking with God, those spaces rose to the top, and continuing to ignore them was not an option.

Here I was encouraging others about the love God has for us, and while I believe this, I could feel where there was darkness (ignorance) covering my awareness of the depth of His love for me.

It was time for the gap to close.

So on this day, distrust and a lack of understanding of His love for me consumed my heart. And it was all I could think of, all I wanted to understand. I no longer wanted to relate to Him through this charade.

I had to see why I was so insecure in my relationship with Him. Why I couldn’t grasp how wide and deep His love is and will always be for me.

I had to see why I didn’t trust Him because love and trust go hand in hand. And if I’m questioning His love for me, how can I say I trust Him? How can He trust me?

I had to see why I didn’t believe His love could see past my limitations and love me anyway.

I had to see why I didn’t believe He could love me beyond my mistakes.

I had to see where I thought of His love as transactional — where I was more focused on what I needed to do to prove to Him I was worthy of receiving His love. I thought I had to earn it, in a type of love exchange. If I was good, and I followed the rules perfectly, only then would He, could He, reward me with His love.

I had to see why I didn’t think He loved me personally, not just in general, but me. Why couldn’t I embrace the truth that He has a vested interest in me? I had to see why I didn’t believe that.

I had to see why I placed His ability to love me on the same scale that I placed any human’s love — because even the most loving, righteous, and healed human's capacity to love does not even come close. His love is even so far beyond that. Why didn’t I believe that truth?

My image of God and knowledge of His love were due for an overhaul, and it all began to shift for me when I realized that understanding His love for me was what I needed to focus on during this time, at this pivotal stage of elevation. I needed deeper revelation. And when I could meditate on how much He loves me, and allow it to penetrate my heart, my doubts about His love for me disappeared. A bold, fresh, supernatural confidence arose in me — I started to walk differently, ha! — and I was able to view our relationship and claim it, all in a new way.

I then realized that if I could receive this amount of love, it would change how I loved myself and my capacity to love others. I began to witness how powerful, cleansing, and restorative His love is.

It took me some time to get comfortable with who God has created me to be, to love myself, and to accept that He loves His creation. I was so hungry for love from the world that I was okay with chasing after this empty kind of love. I was ok with living parched, thirsty, exhausted, starving and stingy from the lack of God’s pure love. So finally, the understanding of His love for me gave me rest, filled me up, and made me generous.

Jesus loves me, this I NOW know.

This is May it help you grow in some way.